I must start by saying I am a huge fan of your work. I first read your book when I was 12 years old, at my local dentist, under the short leg of a table. I grabbed your book, and thought it was so good, I went to the dentist every day after school pretending I needed my teeth examined, just so that I could read this book. (A funny side-story, I still owe over $50,000 in dental bills.) But enough about me.

I’m afraid that your dictionary will not keep making money if it doesn’t change with the times. You keep putting out a new dictionary every year, but there are few changes, the kind that keep people coming holding their breath year after year waiting for more. For example, in Harry Potter III, they changed things up so that (spoiler alert!) Harry Potter got a nice new godfather named Sirius Black, who will solve the problem Harry has living with his mean aunt and uncle. This make me really want to read the fourth book, though I haven’t found time to get through it yet because it’s really long. See! Shake things up a little bit, it keeps people asking for more.

I have some ideas (“Ideas” is a word I learned from your book, by the way. What did I say, I read it all the time!) My ideas should help your book be a little more fun so that you can get more people buying it every year.

Where’s the Shock Value?: People like stuff that they hate. I know it sounds weird, but people complain about violent movies like Pirates of the Caribbean, but they still watch them! Try to include dirty jokes or pictures of naked women. Not enough room, you say? Keep reading!

Cut the fat: For every guy like me who likes really long page-turners, you’ll find ten guys who say, “Just the facts, ma’am.” (I’m just kidding, I don’t know if you’re a guy or a girl!) That chapter on “X” near the end? It seemed like it was phoned-in, and I didn’t think it was anything more than a freak show. Also cuttable (is that a word? Remind me to check) are chapters: F (just weird), U (recycled from other chapters), and C or K (could be put together into one chapter).

Dump Webster: He’s holding you back. What has he (or she) done besides try to share the fame that should be all yours. Let’s face it, we all know you’re the talented one. Webster’s not in it for the dictionary, just the money and fame part. If you think you can’t do it without a partner, just remember who’s given you all these good ideas (hint hint).

I hope you’ll read my letter and do all of what I say. Also, to save money on a stamp, I put a new copy of something I sent you a while back. It is a list of new words I think you should add to your dictionary. I know you’re busy, but I didn’t see any of them in the last copy of the dictionary. Don’t try to tell me my letter got lost in the mail, I put it in your mailbox myself!

Thank you.